Sexless in the Summit

Q: What’s a Yankee?

A: Same as a quickie, but you do it yourself.

       Prison is the only place I've been where guys complain as openly about the lack of women as much as guys do in Summit County. If you’re an outsider looking in, the lack of female companionship appears to be a major problem here. A minute doesn’t go by without a lonely soul publicly weeping over his inability to land a chick. A Summit County government official and local sexpert spoke to me about the problem. (No need to mention names. You know by the smile who it is.) “The lack of available women in Summit County leads to grumpiness, irritability, confusion and paranoia,” the sexpert said. The sexpert’s analysis also describes symptoms of numerous local and national liberal Democrats, but that’s for another column.

       At issue: available women in Summit County and related out-of-control testosterone levels. “Irritable, grumpy, confused and paranoid people tend to sweat the small stuff,” the sexpert told me.

      “Like a religious float in an Independence Day parade?” I asked. Religion plays an important role in the search for available women. “Oh God, please let me get laid….” may be all a guy needs.) Another common petty local grievance is the tourist driver. They’re too slow, they’re too fast, and they don’t use blinkers. Tourists generally get in the way, and can even make us locals five minutes late for an important appointment. It’s a minor inconvenience to most of us, but the lack of “available women” make slow traffic a down right catastrophe for some. In Los Angeles where slow traffic is a norm, it’s not as bothersome due to the abundance of available women.

      “It’s just another result of the county’s perceived lack of available women,” the sexpert pointed out.  “If we don’t address the problem, Summit County could become the Wild West all over again or we may start getting complaints about the wild thistles.”

     Lack of available women means lack of available sex. Studying sex sounds like a hell of a good time, and I gladly volunteered to initiate a non-government funded study. The Washington Post recently reported that David P. Schmitt, an evolutionary psychologist at Bradley University, studied more than16,000 people from every inhabited continent in the world. The study concluded that men prefer more sexual partners than women. Uh-oh. In the study, men were asked how many partners they desired over the next month. On average they said 1.87, compared to women who answered 0.78. Another recent report cited that people who have sex in the morning are more likely to have a better day. Traffic, religious floats and wild thistles are likely to become less bothersome.

      This makes the “available woman” dilemma in Summit County all the more critical. Results of my research on Summit County guys contradict Schmitt’s study. Guys here would enthusiastically accept one partner over the next month. By the tone of desperate grief stricken letters, they’d take half a partner or borrow someone else’s partner if that was an option. Hell, the bears aren’t even safe.

      If word gets out there are no available women in Summit County, single males (and married males without their wives) may vacation at other resorts. It’s been determined that single males make up a huge percentage of tourists in the county. So what do we do? “First and foremost is advertising the available women in the county,” the sexpert said. “Hell, I met my first, second and third wife here.”

      There are solutions in the works to get the word out. Rumors are flying around about a Girls of Summit County Calendar. “If we could find 12 local women to pose scantily clad for a calendar we’d have documented proof there are women up here,” the sexpert pointed out. “The calendar would say, ‘don’t cancel your Summit County vacation plans, come on up and meet some girls.’”

      Guys who haven’t found a mountain girl with whom to share mountain romance might as well admit they’re not trying. What do the women, who are available, say about this? “If the guys would take an occasional shower, shave their mangy beards or dress like they did laundry this month, I might go to dinner with them,” an unidentified-attractive-available flower girl in downtown Frisco said. “It’d be nice if they had a car and paid for the date, too.”

      Yes, with “available women” comes responsibility, and that may not be so available. Be careful what you wish for: You guys may have to get a job.